RP: need some honest advice and some perspective. Long and NBR

MrserinJ

Hi Ladies,

I posted this on the July board as well and am looking for some honest advice about what the right thing to do is:

I posted a couple of months ago about something that happened with my sister. She is getting married in three weeks and her fianc is just not a good person. He's a know it all who constantly mouths off to her family. It's been an ongoing battle. We usually let it slide but at Easter, he was playing football with my 5 year old and kept throwing the ball at his crotch from 5 feet away. The ball was soft but it was repeatedly happening and finally , I said , "Maybe don't do that, I don't want him doing that at school and also we're inside". You have to tread carefully with him, or he explodes. I think I mentioned how he two hand shoved my sister once in front of us. He's just a loose cannon. Anyway, with this in incident, he exploded and went on and on about how fcking ridiculous DH and I are and how we're so overreacting and kept going on about it. We didn't say anything until about 5 mins of him going on about it and then DH and I got upset and said we don't need him to critique our parenting. It all blew up and they left. I tried to talk to my sister about it but she got defensive and said she's not apologizing for defending her fianc. Fine. I don't expect her to. I even emailed her fianc and apologized for things getting out of hand. He ignored me, never acknowledged it. 2 months later, things were fine but of course, we needed talked about it so its unresolved because they both refuse to talk. I was prepared to let it go for the time being for the sake of the wedding as I'm the maid of honor.

Her and I have never rally been close and I like to talk things out and she's an avoider. Fine, I get it. But today we were having a conversation about a misunderstanding with someone else and she brought up out of the blue the whole incident and said again how we over reacted and she will never apologize for it because we took it the wrong way. I got upset and said that its important to talk things through and apologize, even if you don't think you did anything wrong. Like I did to her fianc. I said I wanted to sit and talk with her because I don't feel right about being her maid of honor while we're both so angry. She also is the most selfish person I know. She lives 10 mins away and sees my kids maybe once every few months, if I or my dad invite them over for a free meal. When I ask her to come to my son's' soccer games she says she's busy wedding planning every night for the next three months and can't take an hour out of her week. I planned her bachelorette party and shower and spent loads of money and time. she's never said one thank you. This is all obviously deeply rooted but I just don't feel right standing up for her while we're both so angry, without talking. I asked her to meet me for coffee tonight so we can work things out and she refuses. She says she doesn't need the stress of talking to me before her wedding. I don't get it. I just want to work things out. So now she says I have decided not to be her maid of honor and the decision is solely on me and have jammed out on her. I just said I want to talk before I do because its not right to be so angry with each other and pretend its fine. DH says its time for me to stop being a pushover with her.

I am broken up about this but feel strongly that its not right. My dad is sending me constant texts about how horrible I am and what a terrible sister I am being. It seems unfair because he fully a knowledges she is rude and ungrateful but says that's just the way she is and I have to be there for her. I just feel like it's so unfair that he never expects her to do anything for me but I have to constantly cater to her needs or I'm a bad person. She doesn't even ask my due date and hasn't once asked how my pregnancy is. The only time she acknowledges it is with respect to how it will affect her wedding. She didn't even ask what I was having when I told her we were finding out that day; she's just completely self absorbed. I get its not a big deal to her but sometimes it's nice to ask. We just can't ever have a conversation without it being about her and everyone who knows her knows this.

I just don't know what to do. Am I a horrible person? I realize the timing isn't great but she really upset me and refuses to sit down and talk with me. This has been building and obviously i wouldn't have said anything before her wedding but she brought up such a sensitive issue again, in a negative, inflammatory way that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. My dad says its horrible that I expect her to work it out with me before the wedding but I don't see why that's horrible? I just want to be on good terms with her and have a genuine relationship. I know I'm coming off as the bad guy but it just feels so unfair. All I want is to talk things through. Since last night, I have tried calling and she won't answer so I sent a big imessage telling her I love her and will be there for her in any way she wants, if it is her maid of honor then great. But is still like the opportunity to sit down at some point and hear each other out. I know she got it because it says "read" but she is still ignoring me.

It's just been a horrible day. Was being monitored for preterm labor today and am only 33 weeks and though all seems well I am exhausted from 3 hours of regular contractions last night. Of course she doesn't know this and hasn't asked. I'm just overwhelmed and want to do the right thing. What do you think? Should I suck it up? Do I stick to my convictions? I'm not doing this because I'm angry; it's just it doesn't seem right or proper to go ahead with it with things beig as they are. Of course I'll still be there for her on her big day. I understand that this is a huge deal but what I don't get it why she doesn't want to talk to me. I really think she doesnt care at all about me being naid of honor or wouldnt she WANT to work things out? Wouldnt it be less stressful to work things out? i dont know where to go from here. I think I've done all I can. I don't know if i should show up to her shower Sunday or not...? I know she is angry and so am I but i just want to make things righf, witgout being fake. Please any insight would be appreciated. So sorry for typos. I'm mobile; and also for the length!

ETA: I do understand that I can't force her to engage with me or acknowledge me, not can I control her behavior. I'm just wondering what others would do in this situation as far as the right course of action....?