major stress over guest list

meliward413

My mom is hosting my baby shower and I have been trying to stay out of all the planning (all being done by my mom and mil with guest list and date help from husband) because I don't believe it's my place to get involved with the planning.

Unfortunately, because we live in Florida and all our family and most of our friends are in NJ (we moved down here a few years ago) and because my mom has never planned a shower before I have had to get involved answering questions more than I feel comfortable with. The shower will be in NJ and I originally said I thought it might be a nice idea to do a non-traditional shower where husbands/significant others/children were welcome. I made this decision primarily because I think it makes it easier on some people (some of whom will be driving over an hour as our families live on opposite ends of the state). Also, since my husband and I have been together since college we share many friends and some of the women on my guest list are friends of mine through the fact that they are wives of his old college buddies and we usually hang out in a group. Also, since this is one of the few times we make it up each year it's a nice excuse to see many of our friends who we might not otherwise see until the holidays.  

 (Here comes the stressful part). I am starting to regret my original decision because now we are being asked to give my guest list of friends and their addresses and my husband seems to be adding to it. We are now butting heads because we both think a non-traditional shower means a different thing: to me it means my friends are invited and their significant others are welcome to share in the fun if they want. To him it means he gets a guest list too (he wanted to invite some of his single friends at one point), and we are disagreeing on some of the couples (I want to keep the list small with close friends so as not to seem gift-grabby where he thinks we can't not add someone if we've been invited to their wedding). I've looked online and just can't seem to find the etiquette on how co-ed showers work and who should be invited. My mom has no clue and his mom only planned a shower for my SIL (husband's brother's wife). This was co-ed as well but they only have a few friends so this issue never came up. Any help or experiences are GREATLY appreciated here! We all just want to avoid looking tacky and I want to be put blissfully back in the dark on the whole shower.

Issue # 2: One of my closest friends has been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years now. They have gone to a fertility clinic, had multiple tests, and were very recently given awful news that they can't have a baby without major invasive IVF. They are devastated by this. We talk about this a lot as we used to vent together (it took us a while too and I had 2 miscarriages last year). While they are happy for us, most of the other girls in our group happen to have all either had a baby in the past year or are currently pregnant and this obviously frustrates her even more, especially since we have both been with our husbands the longest (since college) and people are starting to ask her. She gets stressed every time the group gets together b/c the talk always turns to babies. When I went over my requested guest list I realized that over half of the friends I want at my shower are either pregnant or just had a baby, and these happen to be the friends that she knows best. I really don't want her to be uncomfortable (part of the reason I originally thought of the co-ed idea). But every time I bring up the fact that I'm stressed over this I get no good advice. All anyone says is "it's your shower she will be ok" but to me that's very insensitive. I hate the thought that I am causing my friend so much pain. Does anyone have any ideas that I could pass along to my mom (who is aware of the situation) to make her experience less stressful?

At this point I have so much agita over this whole thing I don't even want a shower and I wish no one had ever asked me about a guest list (but I understand why they had to). I don't see myself getting any better about this as guest list arguments caused us to cancel our wedding and elope 7 years ago. On top of this just the thought that I'm going to be the guest of honor at a party, have everyone fuss over me, and be the center of attention makes me feel guilty enough. I guess the biggest feeling I'm having over all of this right now is guilt and it sux. Sorry it was so long I just had to vent and am desperate for advice.