Newly single mom

kaykrash

So my boyfriend of 6 months (who I had dated on and off before) found out we were expected in January. (I'm 24, he's 22.) Honestly the WORST nine months of my life. Every step I should have been enjoying my pregnancy, I was regretting it and regretting him being the father. We had been on and off my entire pregnancy, causing ridiculous stress for me. My LO was born two months ago and I've finally called it quits with him after, now, a year and seven months together. He's essentially a deadbeat. (Chooses to see his friends rather than the baby, smokes weed, etc.) I thought he could change or at least would once our LO arrived, but I was wrong. Stupid part of all of this is that even though he's wickedly emotionally abusive to me and really sucks as a dad so far, I still love him. I HATE being with him and he makes me more miserable than happy, but he's still my babies father and I can't help how I feel.

Worst part of all of this is that I've always wanted to be a mom and have a family. That has been my life's dream and all I've done so far is regret that it happened now and with him. I had a lot of girlfriends growing up who didn't, for one reason or another, have their fathers around. Most of them never did well for themselves, some having their own children young with similar deadbeats, etc. I'm worried about my daughter not having her father. He's not fit to be a father right now. He's far too immature and has no idea what it takes. I kicked him out three weeks ago and he's seen her a handful of times. I can tell he loves her, but it's too hard for him to be a dad so he gives up and goes back to his old BS. So I've filed for child support and I'm looking into getting sole custody. (The fact that he can't pass a drug test would ensure it.)

But I really didn't want to be a single mom. I really wanted a loving, healthy family for my baby and I tried really hard to make that happen. This is the absolute hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I don't know how I'm going to survive it.