Producing milk is NOT what makes a good mama

LizBGood

Hi all! This is long, so apologies.

I've made no secret of my intense desire for DS to be strictly EBF. I was forced to supplement when he was 3 days old. The hospital wouldn't let us leave until he gained weight back (he lost 13% of his body weight but I blame a lot of this to the excess fluids I was pumped with for my failed induction/CS.)

I just never produced enough. I've read every book. I've gone to LLL meetings. I've met repeatedly with an IBCLC. I did SNS. I researched BF-friendly bottle nipples and different feeding methods. I nursed every hour. I pumped. I took every herbal supplement suggested (fenugreek, goats rue, blessed thistle, milk thistle, nettle, alfalfa, hops... I was a pill factory.) I tracked wet and poopy diapers, times fed, ounces fed. I tried just cutting out the supplements (result = no wet dipes.) I checked my thyroid. I felt like I wasn't a person anymore, just a failing milk factory.

Finally, I started domperidone. I am going on my third week. It has helped tremendously but was not the miracle I hoped for.

Between all these methods I've gone from maybe 25% BM to about 85%... but I cannot wean DS past about 5 oz of formula a day. If I don't supply those 5oz he stops having wet diapers.

And I've come to the decision that I just can't do this anymore. I'm driving myself nuts. Every day is an emotional roller coaster. One day we'll only have 1oz and I'll think "THIS IS IT!" but the next day we have 8oz and I feel like a failure. I suspect I have insufficient glandular problems. In fact, I suspected this even before DS was born.

I will keep taking domperidone... and I will nurse as much as possible. But I will no longer feel guilty if I give DS a bottle. I will no longer feel like a failure. I will be thankful my DS is happy, healthy, and thriving. He is chubby and cheerful. His mama did everything she possibly could to give him the best start she could.

Basically, I'm going to be satisfied with my "mostly breastfed baby."  I just wanted to say good luck to everyone else on the low supply rollercoaster and, in the end, it will be OK. At this age, when all they do is nurse and sleep, we feel like producing milk is our mark as a successful mother.  But producing milk is not what makes you a good mama.