Weirdest Apology Ever

StrawberryAlarmClock

I am a high school Spanish teacher and there are about a half dozen male teachers who manage to constantly say things that are out of line to the female teachers.  Whether it's commenting on their bodies, inquiring about their love lives, making jokes to their classes about women having smaller feet so they can stand closer to the oven or just plain being a neanderthal knucklehead, there are "offenses" literally weekly around here.

Two days ago, one of the gravest offenders (the one who told me I'm impulsive because I'm "always walking around pregnant") caught up to me on the way out of the cafeteria.  I was walking with three female colleagues and as soon as he said my name, I cringed and held my breath. This is what he said:

"Miss AlarmClock!! WOAH!! (big jazz hands and shocked expression) things are coming along quite nicely out front there!"

It wasn't the worst thing he's ever said but after we split ways, my friends and I rolled our eyes at him and made vague comments about his being absent the day HR presented the Workplace Harassment video. 

Fast-forward to yesterday.  I am teaching a room full of adolescents, I'm moving around the room, the power point is on the SmartBoard, the kids are engaged, I'm obviously busy, but he comes barging in my room holding a brown paper bag.  He gets down on one knee in front of my entire class and proceeds to apologize for having been out of line the day before.  One line of his apology went something like, "I really shouldn't have said that but (puts arms out to trace a silhouette of my body) things really are growing and...ummmm....protruding nicely in this area." He says this in front of my students! You certainly don't have to reiterate the wrongdoing during your apology! This guy needs an instruction manual.  Anyway, then the weirdest part. As a peace offering, he hands me the paper bag. It smells smoky.  He proceeds to try to chat with my students in Spanish, putting on a full-blown stand up comedy routine for about 5 minutes before he finally leaves.

What's in the bag?  Venison bologna.  I mean, nothing says "I was out of line" like a bag full of venison bologna!!!