How to deal with *&%^£*$ IDIOTS (NBR)

overtonhayes

To all you dog owners, I need help. To all of you who know how to deal with f****** know-it-alls (not just dog-related), I need help. To all of you who know how to deal with people who constantly interrupt, I need help. This has been brewing for months now and I've finally snapped, so I apologise now for the length of it and the tone.
In fact, because this is going to be SO long, I'm going to split it up so you don't have to read all of it! This is all about the same person.

Interrupting: We have a neighbour who is really, really starting to p*** me off. First of all, she interrupts, constantly, making conversation with her impossible and frustrating. Sometimes it's at least relevant: I was talking to her about our landlord, and whether they were told they need to fill in nail holes or not. She said no, and I got one more word out before she started going on and on about how her apartment was a disgusting mess when she moved in. Irritating? Yes. But at least it's relevant. But usually it's completely irrelvant. During that same conversation, when I finally managed to bring it around to the questions I wanted to ask her about our landlord, in the middle of one of my sentences she butts in "ooh, do you want to see the new seeds I bought for the garden?". I tried to politely say no and bring the conversation around, AGAIN, and she started insisting and interrupting me more and more. She does this constantly. She's like a child. It's like she can't focus on one conversation for more than a few minutes at a time, and I'm getting SICK of it. How the HELL do I deal with this? I've never known anyone who interrupts like this before, it's so rude. What do I do?

Know-it-all: And, as I said, she's a f******* know-it-all. She came over the other night when I was looking at furniture for our new place. She then started suggesting places I should look. I know what you're thinking: "oh, she was trying to help". No. This wasn't me being "neighbour, I've found this couch but it's not quite right", this was "I've found this couch, we are definitely getting it, we have been looking at furniture for a while and this is the one". She tells me I have to look at this one website. I look. Everything there is three times above our budget and, to our tastes, hideous. I thank her for her suggestion but tell her we've already decided on the other couch, and anyway that store is way above our budget. She starts to argue with me. "Oh but they last forever." "Oh but they're so worth it". "Oh but all of the covers come off for washing and you can rearrange them however you want them". I politely remind her it is still above our budget and we've already decided, and she suggests - no, makes me look at - three more stores. She does this with EVERYTHING. I mean that in absolutely a literal sense. She's told me which sewing machine I need to buy; which apartment complex we need to look into before we move; which car we should get; which baby gear we should get (she doesn't have kids, btw); which size needles I should learn to knit with; which OB I should go to (one in our town here, and then, when we said we're moving, she 'suggested' another one, where we're moving to!)... Literally, everything. These aren't suggestions. This isn't advice. This is "I don't care if you've already booked movie tickets for tonight, you have to see a different movie", and she never stops or shuts up, or takes the hint that we don't want her 'advice'. (If you're reading this and still think she's just trying to be helpful, seriously take a minute to imagine if EVERYTHING you said about absolutely anything - even when it's not a question - was met by a suggestion of a 'better idea'). Again, how do I deal with such a terrible know-it-all, who obviously doesn't respond to polite "thanks, but that won't work"? (By the way, we've tried the approach of just agreeing with her to shut her up. It doesn't shut her up.)

Baby bump: Now, I said it's NBR, but there is a baby-related element here. She constantly grabs my stomach, which I hate. I've come to accept that people will do that, but she lifts up my shirt and grabs. She was training to be an EMT before she quit, and tells everyone she's a nurse. She's always giving me baby-related 'advice' (which has ALL been wrong: she told me I can't eat chocolate, FGS) and lifting my shirt to grab my belly at random. The other day we had guests over when she let herself into the house. One of my guests asked me if people have started grabbing my belly yet, and I pounced on the opportunity, saying "yes, and it's SO annoying. I want to scream at them, 'hands off!'". She then said "yeah, I always ask before I grab a pregnant woman's belly", which she doesn't; and then added "unless I've gone into medical mode". First of all, you're not trained in medicine. Second, I don't care if you're a fully-trained doctor, that doesn't mean you can just grab my stomach whenever the hell you want (unless of course you're MY doctor and you're examining me). She clearly thinks that she's something special and can grab whenever she wants, so WTH do I do?

OMG SHUT UP: Worst of all is she never stops talking, and invites herself over to our house all the time. Whenever I've been over her house, my record for getting out of there is 25 minutes, and that was when I told her I had left something on the stove (and it STILL took her ten minutes to shut up so I could leave). We dread even bumping into her because she's like a walking time warp. The other night when the furniture conversation went down, I told her as soon as she came in that I was just heading up to bed because I had to be up again in four hours (true). It STILL took her forty minutes to get the hell out of my house so I could go to bed, and in that time some guests who we had over actually said "we know you have to get up early tomorrow, so we're off" and left.

The dog part: This is the part that made me snap today. We have a dog who is a year old, and, if I say so myself, is exceptionally well trained. He knows nine different tricks and countless commands (and has known them since he was three months old), but more importantly, always listens and walks to heel so well we only have a leash because it's a legal requirement. He has never had any obedience training, my husband (who has raised dogs for 9 years) did it all himself. This woman has a dog who is three years old; can't be let off the leash because she'll run away; doesn't even know 'stay' or 'lay down'; still goes to the bathroom in the house sometimes and doesn't even sit all of the time. Yet this woman is telling ME how I should train MY dog. Lately, he's been acting up a little bit. I don't know whether it's because he knows I'm pregnant or what. I took him outside just now, off a leash, to use the bathroom; and because he was listening, coming back when I called him, and generally being really good we were just playing in the parking lot for a bit. This woman came out of the house with her dog. I told my dog to walk to heel and we approached them both. My dog was sitting by side, being really good, then suddenly he just went crazy. He was playing with the other dog and would not listen, no matter what I did. The woman then starts waxing lyrical about this 'amazing' obedience  class she takes her dog to, and tells me I need to (not should) take my dog. She then proceeds to brag about how her (3 year old!) dog just learned 'lay down', and tried to show me. Dog, of course, wouldn't do it. How DARE she? She knows that my dog is as well trained as they come, and has even asked my husband for tips in the past. How dare she stand there and tell me I need to take my dog to obedience classes? And what can I do about it when she goes on and on?

Ladies, thank you SO much for listening to my rant. I know I've definitely broken the record for the longest post ever written on the Bump, but as I say, this has been going on for MONTHS and I've finally snapped. I'm so angry right now (hormones? Can I blame them?) that DH just had to stop me from hurling my coffee cup at the wall. Sorry to go on and on so much, but I can't remember the last time I felt this ANGRY. AAAAAAGH. Any advice is greatly appreciated, but, seriously, thank you for just listening.