Mother Issues--need to vent

lizby

My mother and I have NEVER had a good relationship. I haven't lived with her since I was 13 years old because of her mental issues (diagnosed bipolar) and her abusive behavior. We have had a roller coaster of a relationship which consists of stilted phone calls and rare, brief visits. She likes to pretend everything is peachy and that we don't have any issues. She is constantly talking about how good of a mother she was to me and refuses to admit her faults. I have given her many second chances and tried to preserve my relationship with her, but the truth of the matter is I just don't like her most of the time. She is a very negative person and she is constantly guilt tripping me about not visiting my younger sister that lives with her. It is honestly torture to talk to her on the phone.

Ever since I told her I was pregnant, she seems to think that the baby will be a magical band-aid for our relationship. She insists that she will be waiting for me at the hospital and she keeps saying "I know how you are when you are in pain, you want your mommy." ... This couldn't be farther from the truth. She is also convinced that she will be coming to stay with me or that I will be leaving the baby with her, which is also out of the question.  She acts like this is not a choice for me, and that she is entitled to be there every step of the way. I can't help but feel like none of this is about me or my baby, but about her glory as a grandmother.

When I first found out I was pregnant, my mother-in-law (who I have a very good relationship with) asked me if she could get the crib, and I of course told her yes. When my mother caught wind of this, she had a fit. She said that my MIL was being selfish and to tell her "not to be greedy."  She is very jealous of the relationship between MIL and I and I think this was a big part of it. So, feeling bad for her and wanting her to feel like she was doing a very important thing, I had the awkward conversation with my MIL and asked her if she minded if my mother got the crib. She said she didn't mind, but she asked me, "Do you think you can trust her to get it for you?" and I said that yes, I could.

 I had a gorgeous crib picked out on Babies R Us, so I showed that to my mom. For some reason, she suggested I check out the Burlington Coat factory website (I'm assuming she wanted to do layaway or she has a credit card there), so I did. I picked out a similar crib that I liked less, but it was about the same color and had the changing table with drawers attached like I wanted. (The baby will be sharing space with daddy and I and this is a really good way to save some room.) I emailed her the link and she said that was fine. That was the last I heard about it since 2/1.

Today I called her to have one of those obligatory stilted conversations, and she asked me if she could drop off the crib this week. She began describing it to me when I asked "Is it the one I showed you?" She answered that no, it wasn't. "Does it have the changing table attached?" I asked. "No, why do you even need a changing table anyway?" she answered, before rambling on for another ten minutes or so. 

I couldn't believe it. After all that fuss. Why ask me what crib I want if you're just going to get me whichever one you feel like getting? And why wouldn't you have sent me a link to the crib before buying it?? If it was too expensive for her, I wish she would have just said something instead of acting like she was getting it and then waiting until after she bought another one to tell me she wasn't. I could have let my MIL (who was very gracious but I'm sure was a little hurt when I asked her if she could get something different) buy it for me and my mother could have bought me some equally important things more within her budget.

The fact of the matter is I am dead set on having the crib I want. I didn't like it as much as the one I picked out on BRU but after a while I fell in love with it. I am getting alot of other things as hand-me-downs and other used items (which is totally my choice and I am fine with it); the crib is one of the only things that I picked out specifically. I will be returning the crib and paying the difference to get the one I want.

 I am so angry. She is always putting me in a position that makes me feel like such a bad guy. I don't know how to go about asking her to bring the receipt when she comes, or how to break it to her that I don't want the crib she bought me.