Lost my baby girl....

wmthorpe0815

On saturday I went into L&D because I had not felt movement in 24hrs. I knew the minute they couldnt find her heartbeat she was gone. Because I was already 26 weeks I had to deliver. 21 hrs later my little angel was born. She was so tiny and precious. I was afraid I wouldnt want to see her or hold her, but when they handed her to me I didnt want to let her go. She weighed 1lb 6oz and 13in long. She reminded me so much of a smaller version of what my boys looked like. I cant even tell you how the time after that went. It seems like so long ago that I was feeling her kick and seeing her happy on the sonogram screen. But it wasnt that long ago, it was friday. I saw her heart beating on friday and then by saturday she was gone.

     I had to work up alot of courage to post this. I was afraid to see the 2nd trimester board where I had posted the day before about a stupid receptionist who couldnt keep her mouth shut. But writing it out seems to be another way for me to cope. I never thought I would have to think about an autopsy or figure out where we want her ashes. I had always imagined how I would handle a situation like this (I am a glass is half empty type of girl) but I didnt. It is so much more heart crushing. Almost like you are having a constant heart attack.

     I cant do what I would like to do, which is crawl into a hole and fall asleep until everything is over with. But again I cant. Not with 2 little boys who need there mother to be strong and able. Day by day is how I have been dealing. Sometimes hour by hour. I am sorry to all the mothers out there who have gone through this. I never knew. I wish we could all sit around crying and try to support each other. I am thankful for a husband who has gone through alot of loss and is carrying me through this entire experience. I thought god had put us together so I could fix his broken heart when all along he was given to me to fix mine.