It's 3am, can I have FFF(or Thursday) confession?

dle927

I am a mess right now and when I say anything about this IRL I feel awful (and for a multitude of reasons)...

My grandmother is not doing well.  We all feel that it may be a matter of days until she passes as she stopped eating/drinking completely 2 days ago.  She was just moved to assisted living and we thought she handled really well until about a week ago.  She started to get unresponsive and was not eating much but I went, with Claire, and she started to respond to her and actually was able to say, "She is so beautiful."  Twice.  Now I realize I may have been the last one to hear her speak a sentence.

Well, we were leaving for Florida on Friday to see my parents and take Claire to Disney (Evan was going with us for a few days).  My parents are now flying home tomorrow. The entire family is telling us to keep our plans and just miss the funeral.  Obviously no one knows when the actual end will be but if I'm in FL, I feel as if I NEED to get back.  I have not cancelled the trip yet because my parents are telling me to just go a few days late if need be.  And I know I need to cancel but I feel awful that I pumped the trip to Claire for the last two months.  Every single day we talk about Disney.  And for even thinking of the trip, and taking my kids, I feel guilty because the focus should obviously be on my grandmother. 

Dh and I need to make plans for work, and daycare now since the kids may not have spaces left for this week because of staffing, and cancel hotel (we're actually late to cancel our reservation at Disney), etc.  I have no idea when we can go instead...maybe one week later but work is awful the next week.  Or maybe September.  But I feel like I can't make Claire wait that long and we had two free tickets that expire in May. 

And everytime I think about Disney I flash to my grandmother who looks completely different than she did last week and then I lose it. I look and feel as if I got hit by a truck in a million different ways.