I'm sad :(

Pelusa214

I stopped BFing yesterday after weeks and weeks of trying to figure out what was making DD so irritible & fussy, giving her green poop & sometimes blood in her poop.  Since I was dairy-free & she was still having blood in her poop, the GI dr. had us skip Alimentum & go straight to Neocate.  He asked me if I wanted to pump for a week & see if she got better, and if so, maybe I could try going back to breastfeeding.  I told him no, I was already at the stressed-out point where it was affecting my emotional well-being & my ability to deal with my 3 year old & with family responsibilities, that I couldn't handle trying to bring my supply back up on top of a strict elimination diet.

I know it's only been 24 hours, but I'm already sitting here crying in physical & emotional pain.  It makes me sad not to nurse her.  It makes me sad, too, though, that she's so uncomfortable.  I'm already having 2nd thoughts, thinking that maybe I can handle the diet and that maybe we can figure out what it is that's bothering her, and that maybe I should just pump this week & go back to no dairy/no soy & see if it helps.  It's not helping matters that she hates the Neocate & it's taking me an hour to get her to drink 3 oz.  She only takes a few sips at a time before pushing it out of her mouth, then a few minutes later she's crying from hunger, takes a few sips, then pushes it out again.  I'm finding myself making small 2-3 oz bottles every 2-3 hours, trying to keep her from being hungry but not wanting to waste the $35-a-can formula.

I've been down this road before with DD1.  It gets ugly if I keep BFing.  But I keep thinking maybe this time it'll be different, maybe this child is different (she is...she's so much more clingy than DD1, and maybe I'm afraid she won't want me anymore....).  She doesn't like the paci, and for 2 months the only thing that comforted her was nursing.  Now I've taken that away.

DH is working until tomorrow morning, and my parents took DD1 out so I could have a break.  And instead of napping, I'm sitting here crying & wondering if I should start pumping & stop eating the milk & cheese I've been gorging myself on since yesterday after being without it for 6 weeks. 

I shouldn't.  2 weeks from now I'm going to have another meltdown & quit all over again.  It's not fair to her or my family.  The GI dr. encouraged me to keep BFing without making me feel guilty for not continuing.  Now I feel even worse for quitting.  Not that they made me feel like that, but I think maybe it's better if I do.

I hate this.  Having a baby is SO hard.  I know in the scheme of things, this is SO unimportant, but it doesn't feel that way right now.