Watch: the Notorious Gender Reveal Party That Ended in a 47,000-Acre Wildfire

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Gender disappointment is more common than most people probably realize. That’s because it’s PC to say, “We’re just hoping for a happy, healthy baby,” so that’s what almost everyone says, whether they’re thinking it or not.

“There’s a lot of shame because we’re supposed to feel grateful and blessed,” says Shoshana Bennett, PhD, a clinical psychologist specializing in pre- and postpartum issues. “We’re supposed to be happy no matter what, so if we’re disappointed, we might not mention it, not even to our friends or our spouse.”

There are plenty of reasons for disappointment:

• Fear. “Some people have preconceived notions that they’d be a better parent for a boy than they would be for a girl or vice versa,” Bennett says.

• Stereotypes. You’re not a girly girl, so you envision T-ball games and mini monster trucks, not tutus and princesses.

• Convenience. Hey, maybe you have lots of girl clothes you want to pass on to a second girl. Having a boy slashes that plan.

• Cultural bias. It seems like there’s a societal expectation to have a “set”—a boy and a girl—and life just doesn’t always work out that way. In certain communities, it’s expected that a child of one gender is going to be more loving, partake in certain traditions or even care for their parents in old age.

• Personal history. If you have a strained relationship with your mother, for example, having a girl might give you anxiety that history will repeat itself with your daughter.