My heart is breaking - mourning the loss of breastfeeding :-(

acia

Well, I can officially say that my 13-month-old has weaned herself from my breast - and I'm so devastated by it all.

It's not so much that I miss the breastfeeding (though I do), but it's just the way that it all happened that makes me so sad. She got pretty sick with a cold a couple weeks ago and had a high fever, and was nursing almost constantly throughout the night for a couple days (as comfort and because she was barely eating during the day). I'm not sure what happened, if her tummy hurt from eating so much or if she somehow connected the fever or feeling sick to nursing, but after a couple nights of constant nursing, she suddenly wanted nothing to do with my breasts. Like, she'd pull away and scream and hit me if I so much as put her near my breasts, even if I just sat with her in the chair I usually nursed in, even if she was super hungry.

After more than a week of trying everything to get her back on the boob with zero success, I finally gave up. She wants nothing to do with it and it was stressing her (and me) out every time I'd try.

I know the hormones are probably playing a role, but I find myself just feeling so sad and guilty about it all. It sounds silly writing it down, and I know many people would be happy to make it to 13 months, but I feel so rejected and hurt.... I so, so wish I had known that the last time I nursed her would be the final time, so I could have enjoyed it and soaked it all in. I nursed my older daughter until she was 2+, and I expected to do the same with my baby. I feel like I've really failed her.

Has anyone else had any experience "mourning" the loss of breastfeeding? How do I get myself past this?