i lost my baby boy

ctilley7911

A week ago i went to the ER due to no movement. It turned out that He had a heart beat but he wasn't moving much, but they said he was just tired and sleeping . They also said i had a lot of fluid so i needed to be monitored more closely. I left feeling something was not right so last Monday i went in for my check up, but doctor could not find they heart beat so they did a u/s and saw not heart activity. I was shattered like i couldn't breath. They told me i had to go to hospital to make it official. When i got there it was made official i had lost my Benjamin.

They told me i could be induced right away or in morning but i just wanted it over with. So we left to get him a outfit and a bag for me. I was induced that night i labored with out pain meds for 12 hours hoping my moving around would speed it up but it didn't and the pain was to much to bare after second time being induced. So before the third set of pills to get me pass one centimeter was given i got a epidural. It wasn't till like 3 or more sets of pills i was given did they decide to manually dilate me with this bulb of fluid. i was only just under 3 centimeters dilated. well my dr came in after a few hours and tugged on it to see if it was ready to come out but it wasn't so he kept tugging anyways and forced it out i couldn't believe how bad it hurt . Oh ya so epidural wouldn't work pass my hips for some reason so i felt no contractions but everything downstairs. After he pulled it he said i was 7 centimeters i was so relived and this was right before 1 on Wednesday. My husband was running a couple important errands so i called him and said doctored said baby will be here tonight sometime so comeback within next couple hours.

Well no more then 2 mins after the call and five after talking to the doctor. I felt a lot of pressure and pain. nurses said it was normal to tell them when it was unbearable.  2 mins after that she came in and i was like ok somethings not right it really hurts. So doctor came in said wow ya its go time. So in about 5  minutes i went from 7 to 10. My friend called my husband as they prepared me said get here fast. she stayed by my side whole time. I was so terrified i wasn't ready i didn't want my night mare to become a reality i prayed he come out fine. After about 15 minutes of pushing Benjamin ray came. There was no screams no crys but my own.... My doctor told me he had a very short twisted cord but he didn't think that would of cause his death but would do a autopsy. I couldn't bare to see him right away i needed my husband. Then when they went to deliver the placenta it wouldn't come it was stuck so he pushed his hand all the way in there and manually detached it i almost blacked out it was way worse then delivery and delivery hurt a lot. He said he only sees that every 3 years another doctor said last time for her was 6 years ago. So had all these rare things stuck placenta a short twisted cord that was not very securely attached inside placenta. and the polyhydroism. Every one said it was a freak incident it was not my fault but even though i realistically know its true i cant stop blaming my self for his death.

He was 2ibs 12 oz  and 15 and 12 inches long. he was born a day before i turned 31 weeks. After my husband got there right at the end we waited a half an hour till i was prepared to see him and they brought him in. I feel horrible because i thought i could handle it but having his lifeless body in my arms just tore me apart i just couldn't handle the pain so they asked my husband if he wanted to see him and he did. He just held him and cried as i cried i felt so empty and filled with so much hurt and anger. I was only 10 weeks away from his due date and i had lost him he was suppose to be my rainbow baby. I thought it was all going to be fine and he gets ripped from me last min. I hurt so bad i just want my baby boy. I hate silent the house is because i keep thinking how it should be filled with his sounds and crys but its not. I just cant stop crying and hurting. I dont wish this on my worst enemy and my heart bleeds for other mommas who are dealing with a loss of a baby. I am sooo sorry for your pain.