I think I get it now. (A mopey post about the passage of time.)

RosiePeare

When I first joined TTCAL over a year ago, I lurked on PgAL all the time--the women there offered me hope. I'd study their siggys for how many months between a loss and a new BFP, and I'd get so excited for pictures on Fridays. 

What's changed in the last year isn't just our second loss or the expensive treatment cycles we now do--what's really changed, I realized yesterday, is that I now know all those women who are posting pictures of their nurseries or celebrating their showers or telling their birth stories. Don't get me wrong--I know it's my choice to go to PgAL--that is their safe space and they have every right to celebrate every step of their journeys. But I think the loss of anonymity of those PgAL SNs is what hurts so much right now.

It hit home yesterday when ncc posted the July labor buddies on PgAL. (Ncc, I know you're probably reading this--along with other July ladies--please don't misconstrue this as me not being happy for you all.) I hadn't really dwelt on it in a long time, but it suddenly made me realize that, when I got my BFP the same day as LauraKat back in November, I thought, "we'll be labor buddies!" Now, not only am I not in that July crew--I'm not even on the board for another one.

Many of you older, wiser ladies here have reflected before on the feeling of being "left behind"--and I know that many of you have felt that longer and more deeply than I have. But today I'm feeling it. 

And it sucks.