off topic-father problems

sawyersmommy8

Hi all, I have been following threads, but this is my first post here. I am 25 and expecting # 2 August 17th:) I have a sweet baby boy who will be 3 Aug 16th. Yes, my timing wasn't great. Anyway, I have an off topic situation I was hoping to get some advice on.

 This is going to be long, so just bare with me. I would really like some advice from some unbiased listeners...also I just need to vent. My father broke his back in 1995 and has had chronic pain since then. They have performed numerous surgeries to no avail. He has been hooked on prescription medication for as long as I can remember. My brother was born when I was 3.5 years old. I remember my dad being normal, but he never did. My brother's mom was always emotionally and physically abusive to me. It was just something I lived with without complaining too much about. We always lived in a nice home, with food, and nice-ish things. Dad would sleep most of the day and when he was awake he would slur his speech. I would talk to my dad once or twice a week, but avoided him for the most part. My little brother always lived at home even though I begged him to live with me. He felt like he needed to care for my dad. He was at every surgery and every hospital stay. He cared for my dad his entire life. In August, at the age of 20, my brother killed himself by taking lortab. I knew it would happen. All he knew was sickness and pills. The medical examiner called me in Dec with the autopsy results- overdose. I called my dad and he said he had just heard from him. My brother had died of a heart attack...Did I just hear him correctly? He and my stepmom were under the impression that the results were not available to the public. Since my brother died, my dad has said he didn't want to be my dad anymore. He called me a c*** among MANY other names. In Dec. I finally decided to let my father go for good. I felt awfully, but to be a mentally stable adult, I had to. I got a phone call from my father today saying he was dying of liver cancer...He then proceeded to call me a son of a b****, mother f*****, a**hole, crybaby, etc. He said all he wants to see is his grandson: my two year old. My question is, could you forgive your parents if you knew they wouldn't be around for much longer...forget that he never even asked for my forgiveness. I don't want him around me and I don't want him around my son...but will I feel differently after he's dead? He and my stepmom are the reason my 20 year old brother is dead. She feeds him pills like candy, now he will die from liver cancer (their fault). I want to move on...but is that selfish?