Ready to throw in the towel

Betty&Co

Hi all. Not sure why I'm writing this, I think I just need some support, and to get it out.

Back story: I have a history of depression that predates my pregnancy/breastfeeding experience. When I had my lo, my MD asked me if I was sure I would bf, if I didn't want to go back on meds (the ones I was on were not safe for bf), etc. I was dedicated to attempt to bf for at least 6 months, but I agreed we would monitor my moods and go from there. I thought I was doing pretty well since my DD seemed to have gotten the hang of bf, I don't have supply/latch issues, but I did notice some signs of PPD/PPA creeping up on me. Fast forward to two weeks ago, I lost my mother quite suddenly. Now, I feel SO anxious and overwhelmed. I cry almost constantly, and bf is taking a serious toll on my mental well being. I still want to be dedicated to bf for my LO sake, but it's SO hard on me that she needs to eat every 3 hours still, and I am the only one who can feed her. I pump occasionally to have a small stash, but I don't think I have it in me to EP. So I feel like it's either stick to bf or "give up". I feel so defeated every time she starts crying to eat, I just feel frustrated. I just want to be able to be alone for awhile to cry and mourn, but I can't.

I don't know. I'm so conflicted and SO overwhelmed. Part of me really just wants to give up so I can get the help I need, but a big part of me feels like I'd be failing my LO if I give up on bf now.

If you read all of that, you deserve a cookie!: