1 year ago today....

chipmunk112511

I got the biggest surprise of my life.  For the past month and a half I had been off of my pill due to hormone issues and them making me crazy and we had not been very careful.  That morning one year ago today I decided to pull out a test and POAS before I got in the shower.  I pee'd, jumped in the shower and out of curiosity peeked out at the test half way through. I immediately saw 2 lines and spend the rest of my shower with my hands in my face crying.  

We had not planned on having a baby and considering all the close calls we had, had in the past, fiance wasn't sure he was able to father a child.  I got out, checked the test again and got ready for work.  10 million things raced through my mind and since he had already gone to work I had to wait all day until I could say something.

I left work an hour early, ran by Walgreen's and bought a 4 pack of digi's.  Once I got home ( this moment will never leave my memory) I walked in the door, looking at fiance playing his game and said I have to tell you something......, I'm pregnant. At first he didn't believe me, I went in and grabbed the test I had stashed away and showed him and said I had digital tests to take to confirm.  I took 3 of them...all said pregnant.  

After a long talk we realized we just weren't ready to be parents.  We had no clue how we would be able to afford daycare or the things a baby needs.  That Friday (11/13/11 was a Monday) I took off of work and we went to a "clinic" to abort.  Got into the office and filled out paperwork, sat with at least 20 other girls and just tried to wrap my head around what I was doing.  I was called back and the girl proceeded to do an U/S to see where the sac was.  She couldn't find it...so she had me go POAS to confirm pregnancy. I did and it came up positive and I was advised I was not far enough along and to come back in 2 weeks (7 weeks along).

Something hit after we left the clinic that day and after a long talk we realized that we would figure things out and we were keeping this baby.  This is something I have hid from everyone, including my family but with today being the anniversary of that BFP I just wanted to get it off my chest and move on.  I spent the first couple weeks after Austin was born crying when I looked at his sweet face thinking about what I almost did and how he would not be here.  I cannot imagine my life without him and he is truly our little blessing!

I do not ever plan on telling our family or friends about this b/c we did get engaged a little over a week later and I just feel people jump to conclusions.  He had planned on proposing when we went to the Mountains for months and it took him close to a year to save up for my ring.  I find it crazy how things work out but they always seem to work out for the best!

Thanks for reading and I hope no one thinks of me any differently after reading this, but I just felt it was something I needed to share.