XH alienating the children

motherhen25515

I am a newbie to posting, but have been a lurker for a while.  I need some advice. 

My xh and I have been divorced 4 years. He is remarried (to his affair partner).  I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a year.  We had a visitation order in place for the last several years that he and I both agreed on.  It gave him 3 weekends a month and split holidays. Apparantly he became unhappy with that arrangement, and instead of filing for a modification or requesting mediation, he decided the way to go was to get a restraining order against me for our 3 children.  He made claims of physical and emotional abuse.  The courts have dismissed those claims but we are now in a custody dispute.

The oldest (15) decided she would like to split her time equally so that is the final arrangement for her.  He has convinced the youngest two (12 & 13) to say they don't want to live with me, that I am mean, and that I yell all the time. I guess I am mean in that I have rules and expectations, bedtimes, computer and video game rules, and chores.  I have always been the "mean" parent when it comes to all that, even when we were married. I don't yell anymore, I was frustrated a long time ago and didn't know how to proporly manage my feelings, so I yelled. But that ended along with the marriage. I guess I figured out the source of my frustration.

I believe xh to have narcissistic personality traits and that I am his scapegoat.  He and his parents have blamed me for everything that has gone wrong in his life. According to them, he was the perfect husband and father and I am just a selfish brat. Reality is he is an alcoholic adulterer who cannot keep a job. He drinks because of me, cheated because of me, and didn't have any money because I spent it all.

In real life, I have paid for every doctor, dentist, school clothes, braces, and lunch bill for the children. I have been their constant source of support. I have always been there loving them and doing right by them.

Ever since the restraining order fiasco, their attitude towards me is different. I spend a lot of time checking their attitudes and comments toward me.  I have become their scapegoat also. They say I am the reason they don't have any fun and I only want them around to do chores. I am having a hard time with discipline because I am not sure what the right thing is to do. I love them very much but I am afraid they will become manipulative adults. Anyone been in a similar situation?