I'm a veteran at this and I lost my sh!t.

MSUMamaof2

To put it mildly, I feel like I'm pregnant with Rosemary's baby this time around (google it if you don't get the reference). 

I didn't find out I was pregnant with this baby until I was nearly 8 weeks along.  I had what I thought was a regular period in May, but it turned out to be one of a series of bleeding episodes resulting from an ongoing subchorionic hematoma (clot between the placenta and uterine wall).  My actual LMP was 4/20.  Anyways, this clot heals, comes back, bleeds out, gets worse, heals, and starts all over again.  All I am told is that every ultrasound we have showing good growth and heartbeats is a positive sign, but that there's no way of knowing if the placenta won't completely detach due to the blood clot.  Obviously if that happens, there's no way to save baby.  

I've been on modified bed rest for 2.5 weeks now.  I have a 4 year old and 2 year old who are just about over their usually active mother not being able to do anything.  I feel like a rotten failure of a mother to them and a pain in the ass to DH, who has picked up the slack on all of my usual household duties.  He's happy to do it.  The kids won't die and all of their pressing needs are met.  The rational being in me sees this.  The mommy just wants to crawl in a hole.  

This week, DH and I had the stomach flu.  I was still cramping and bleeding.  Between the sh!tters and heavers, I think I literally lost my mind for 2 days.  I checked out from the family completely emotionally.  It was so overwhelming.  I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.  

The world looks better today now that I'm feeling more like myself, but I guess the moral to the story is, when you're feeling like a failure, even us seasoned and experienced moms feel horribly vulnerable at times during pregnancy, if that makes any sense.