Husband not ready but I am?

futuremidwestmom

Has anyone else run into this problem, because right now, I feel really alone.  I approached my husband last night with the topic of TTC.  We've been married 4 years and it has come up before.  He says he wants kids and we even "argue" about how many (I say 2, he says more).  And he was also the one to calm me down when early on we had a couple scares and he was the one to say "if it happens we'll be ok". 

We have a vacation in October that was planned almost a year and a half ago, and I was always using that as my imaginary line in the sand for when we start TTC.  I thought around now was a good time to talk to him seriously about it so we could be on the same page and have a plan we both agreed with. 

His reaction wasn't something I anticipated and I'm now totally embarrassed and mad at myself for bringing it up at all, because he looked uncomfortable and said the thought terrified him.  He said that he "guessed he could used to the idea in the next 4 months" but (help me out ladies) that wasn't something that I wanted to hear because I can't feel like I've pushed him into it.  I can't do anything with that.  He also said he's still getting used to "the idea of us".  Again, I don't understand what that means because I've been "used to us" for awhile.  He said he doesn't have a timeframe in mind, but then said "well we should revisit this sometime".  I just feel like I'm in this place mentally where I feel like I'm ready and thought he was there too, and now it's going to take me time to get myself in another place mentally where I'm not excited to start trying for kids.  I thought I was the one holding a pin in the having kids thing.  I guess I was wrong.  Has anything like this ever happened to anyone else?  (Sorry if this was long, I needed to let some of this confusing emotion out somewhere).