MIL...WWD? ( NBR..sorta...and VERY long)

mrs+harlow

Ok, this will probably be long but I will try to keep it as short as possible but provide the back story details ---which is years in the making so if you make it through this God Bless.

My DH grew up on the Lower East Side of Manhattan in NYC . His family is completely dysfunctional ...Father passed away when he was 13...one Uncle is a heroin addict, another is blind but wealthy, the third uncle is also very wealthy. 

How my DH came out the way he did is far beyond me. We have been together for almost 9 years...married for 6. In the beginning of our marriage we were paying our rent ( in Manhattan) and his Mother's rent ( also in Manhattan). We both worked like slaves....barely getting by---even though we both had amazing jobs. Paying all of our bills and his Mother's bills was extremely hard in one of the most expensive cities in the world. There were even some nights I would go hungry, which given our combined income was seriously ridiculous. Eventually, we had to leave Manhattan and move out further to Brooklyn for more room and cheaper rent ( to save for a home). Around this time, I reached my breaking point and we separated.The financial strain was just too much for me. I felt like I worked all the time...we never saw each other and my quality of life was horrible. We ended up going to counseling and a lot came out in terms of his Mother and how we support her , how she treats him like a husband instead of a son ( whenever she has any sort of issue she always expects him to come running). Eventually, we worked things out and we stopped paying her rent. To this day we still pay her other bills - cable, phone, cell phone, etc. When my DH's dad died she did work " under the table"s  a receptionist at a doctor's office. She then got a job for the state and they wanted her to move to another city , which she would not do ( so she forgoes a pension and a great salary). At age 55 or so she decides she wants to go back to school to be a teacher so she somehow does this for awhile. Eventually, she just quits and lives off of my husband....he lives with her and he pays all the bills. Then he met me. When we separated and went into counseling and he said he wasn't paying her rent any more she got a job and makes minimum wage ( she's in her 70's BTW).  Her whole life has been encompassed by complete financial irresponsibility. Someone else is always around to pick up her tab - and she expects it. When one Uncle got mad at my DH because he wouldn't get his mom a credit card - the uncle ended up getting her one himself ( DH hasn't spoken to him in like 10 years). She has a car with insurance that is paid for by the other uncle. ( Why she needs a car is beyond me).

I have tried to respect and love my MIL. I have taken up for her when her other  family members have said ugly things about her - even when I know they are true. I was always raised to respect my elders and it is innate. But I am at the end of my rope. Years of her behavior has taken it's toll and feelings of resentment ring loud.

She is also a hoarder. It started when my husband's father died. When we were dating and he brought me to their apartment I had never seen anything like it in my life. The only normal looking room was my husband's bedroom. In 9 years I have only been up there maybe 5 times...I just can't handle it. I totally understand that it is a disease...but she blames it on us- which infuriates me. The kitchen table is stacked to the ceiling with papers years and years old...my DH started going through them 3 years ago and found a statement from Lehman Brothers IN HIS NAME...it was apparently a investment account of about 30k that his Dad had set up for him. At the time, Lehman was going through the whole divestment craziness and eventually we learned the account had been drained...but we couldn't figure out by who. It had to be his Mother and to this day she won't just come clean about . When we applied for our mortgage we found out that she opened several credit cards in his name when he was a child using his Social Security number. 

She is completely self-absorbed ,never on time and totally uses my DH as a crutch for EVERYTHING....treating him like her husband. She even nearly missed our wedding and actually held it up ( I didn't know this at the time...everyone kept it a secret that she wasn't there when I kept asking why we couldn't just go - ceremony was outside and it was about to rain ANY SECOND). In the wedding video you see her running to be in the processional....she denies she was late. She has no pictures with her only child prior to one of the biggest events of his life. 

Ok that gives a bit of a back story on what I am dealing with . It really isn't even half of it all. Obviously, she is eccentric and crazy. I honestly try to ignore it as much as I can but it does impact our life...especially financially.

But also emotionally....

MY DH's birthday was yesterday. In the 9 years we have been together she has pretty much always forgotten so I don't know why yesterday would have been any different. I don't care that she forgets my birthday but to not give DH even as much as a CARD and remember the birthday of her only child infuriates me. He says he's used to it and it doesn't matter...but I know him. It hurts him. We do and have done SO MUCH for her ( without a thank you...because it is expected) and she can't even remember his birthday. She even called him yesterday to ask him something.....totally didn't mention his birthday.  Sometimes I get concerned that maybe it is a medical issue...but she remembers other things she has to do, takes trips ( this makes me really mad...how is she paying for it), gets to work ...I don't get it. IMO she is just useless.

So if you made it this far you deserve a pint of ice cream. I have wanted to have a sit down with me, DH and MIL and go through all of this and her financial stuff and what is going to happen when she cannot work any more...but my husband keeps procrastinating and in terms of her behavior he says " What's the point she is in her 70's"...which I get...but still. My questions is...

Would you write her a letter? I am tempted to write her a letter explaining her behavior and how it has impacts not only DH but also our relationship ( we never told her we separated and that most of it had to do with her). I thought of calling but I feel it would go one ear and out the other...that a letter she can read over and over and maybe absorb? Or would you just stay out of it? I resent her so much that I don't want her to come to the hospital until after we have been discharged. She sends me over the edge personality wise - everything is all about her when she is around...and i don;t want that when we are celebrating MY baby.  In all honesty, the thought of her holding my child makes me want to vomit for some reason. I know I will have to let her but it really makes me sick.....or do i just let it all go and stay out if it like I always have?