Trying to be happy about the new baby but struggling.....

ChunkyMunkey

I realize this is going to probably sound really bad but it's how I feel. If you think I need to seek help then please say so as I am not sure what I am feeling is normal or not.

The more I think about it, the more and more I become unhappy about my unborn daughter. I know it is not her fault things are the way they are for me and I know I will adore her when she arrives. But right now? I feel like I'm forcing myself to be happy. All I can see is me by myself raising 2u2 and losing my mind. My ex is in prison and I won't be receiving ANY type of CS from him for an extremely long time if ever. I'm panicking because I don't know how I am going to afford her healthcare and having to move my son to daycare 3-4 days a week (I bring him to work with me currently but can't when #2 arrives). I feel like my son will be hurt and feel as if I am not caring about him as much. The thought of toting around a toddler and a carseat makes my head spin. I do have family but they are not nearly as "helpful" as I wish they were. For instance, ex was in jail for the first month of DS's life. My mom only came to visit me one time for about 30 minutes. She offered to hold DS while I did my dishes. That was the only help I got.

I want to breastfeed for a year like I did with my son but I feel like I just won't have the time or the energy to do it. I remember how much work it was with my son. I feel like I won't be able to give this baby everything she needs to have a happy life. It's scary to say but I am almost depressed about it. I look at my life and know I can provide wonderfully for my son but the thought of having to do it all for 2 kids scares me so much. If I truly had it my way I would want it to be just me and my little boy.  I feel so unbelievably bad about it and feel like a horrible mother.

I do love her and I know I'll fall madly in love the second I lay eyes on her. But I fear so bad about what the future holds and how I am going to survive. I know I'll make it, but the struggle is terrifying to me. I barely have a social life with just my little boy. What I do have of one now I expect will be completely gone with two babies.

Am I going crazy here? Is this some sort of pregnancy depression? I don't find myself sad about anything else in my life and am very very close with my son. I laugh and smile daily, go out places and overall live happily. The only thing I'm sad about is thinking about having another child.

Should I seek help? Has anyone else felt like this? I thought it would get better but as my pregnancy progresses I find myself feeling worse about it. Zero excitement, only fear.