How do I handle this nicely? (mother issues, long)

sabrina69barnes

  First let me say that my mother is a very sweet woman. I honestly don't know if she knows how to be mean. My mom was at our house for a family event last weekend and she noticed how close DS2 is to MIL. DS2 likes my mom but sees MIL much more often so he has a much closer relationship with her. My mom called me this week and mentioned that she would like to be around after DS3 gets here so he can be close with her too. I want her to have a relationship with my kids but she can't really be as involved as MIL so I'm not sure how that would happen. I feel bad and I'm wondering how to handle this.

Here is some backstory. I had DS1 when I lived with my mom and was 18. She watched him when I worked so she was with him pretty much all the time. She was very and still is very close to him. My mom was having some issues when DS1 was around 9mo old and I decided it was best for us to move so we moved in with my dad. A few days later my mother had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. During this time she said some very hurtful things and wasn't a stable person so we didn't talk for months.

When DS1 was around 13mo I decided to go to school but couldn't afford daycare that I was comfortable with.  My mom seemed to be doing much better so we made up and she watched him while I worked and went to school. This continues until he was around 2, I married DH, and became a SAHM. Near the end of her watch him there were some big safety issues. Ex, she allowed him to plug in an iron but it was ok because she was supervising him.

When DH and I got married I went from 1 child to 3 overnight. She babysatt a handful of times when DH and I needed a babysitter for this like custody hearings but only when we had no other choice. There weren't any safety issues but she clearly couldn't handle it. Around this time I was also pregnant with DS2. There was a time when we were going somewhere together and I asked her to get DS1 in the car while I ran back into the house to get a shopping list. When I came back out DS1 was playing in the street and she wasn't doing anything about it while being almost 10 feet away. DH and I have never left her alone with any of the kids since then for any amount of time. 

Right before DS2 was born MIL moved very close and has been our only babysitter since. MIL likes spending time with the kids and offers all the time to come over and watch them so I can go grocery shopping alone, DH and I can have a date night, or just so I can have a break. She goes to church with us so we see her every Sunday. Many weeks she offers to buy us lunch or asks if I need help with anything around the house. MIL knows how our house runs so if I need help after LO is born she will be here. 

My mom lives 45min away. This isn't far but to her it is. She always wants to spend an entire day here and usually a night. Even if she does spend the night she still usually stays until it gets dark the next day.  She makes messes that she doesn't clean up, undermines my rules in front of the kids, and since I can't leave her alone with the kids at all I can't do anything while she is here. I have an at home daycare during the week so there are things that I have to get done around the house every weekend. In may ways she is like a child. She has 10 cats and DS2 has severe allergies so going to her house isn't an option.

Talking to my mother doesn't really seem like an option. In the past the only thing it seems to accoplish is to make me feel horrible. She is still my mother so telling her how I think she should act feels very wrong and rude. If I were to gently say something she wouldn't get it at all. She very much lacks understanding of social norms. If I were say it in a way she would understand It would only hurt her. She is the way she is and it isn't going to change.  My way of dealing with this has been to just avoid her and only invite her for holidays and family events where other people are here. Usually we can get her to leave when everyone else is. 

Like I said, she is a very sweet person. I feel bad that she doesn't see the kids very often because I know she would like that. I'm not sure how to balance her having close to the relationship she wants and mantain my sanity. 

If you've made it this far you deserve a whole batch of cookies.