in-laws stress..

megvin21

Hi. I need to vent and hopefully some one else out there is in a situation like me.. 
My boyfriend and I will have been together for 8 years in January and are expecting our first little boy around the beginning of May. I am 20 and he is 21, so we are young, but very happy together. Throughout our relationship we have faced many people who did not like us together so seriously at a young age and people who doubted us.

We were raised very differently (which never mattered until now) and he was raised by a mix of people including his mom (who had him when she was 15) and dad, both grandparents, and numerous babysitters. Basically, they did what they had to to get by. My parents were older (27+28) when they had me and had been married for years. My dad worked, mom was a stay at home mom and she was very involved with me, my school, and said 'no' a lot. As a teen I hated that and we didn't get along until I left for college. But all while my mom and I fought, my FMIL seemed wonderful to me since she let BF and I do whatever we wanted. I realized that my mom saying 'no' was her way of protecting me and raising me correctly, and I have since then developed a grudge against my FMIL for the way she raised her children, putting them through rough times, treating her husband terribly, and she, in my view, is just plain rude. There's a lot more too it, but that's just the beginning.

Oh and she never knocks to come inside, always just walks right in. What if I'm not dressed or something? It's my own freaking house, I should be able to do what I want without worrying FMIL will walk in. When I mentioned to BF that I was going to politely ask her to knock, he said she would get mad, but I'm starting to not care.

So to get to the point.. I dislike my FMIL and BF and I fight constantly about this as it seems to be a contest or competition his family vs mine. He likes my family and cannot think of anything they do that he disapproves of. FMIL does not listen to me, treats our puppy like it is a child and wants it to come over to spend the night (this drives me crazy and I think it is ridiculous!) I am slightly a control freak and I do not trust FMIL to participate in how BF and I want to raise our son. She gets her way with him, and there are plenty of times when I feel like it is BF and FMIL against me.

I am 21 weeks pregnant and have become a worry wart. My recent obsession is to research third hand smoke. Both FMIL and FFIL smoke a lot and although it is not consistent, they have smoked in the house quite a bit. FMIL has long, big hair that is always down and reeking of smoke and both of their clothes smell too. I have tried to talk to BF about this and have read him some of the articles I have found about third hand smoke. He thinks his mom will take offense if I ask them to either change their shirts or put a blanket over them when they hold LO.

I do not trust ILs to watch my baby, especially overnight. And my first line of defense is that they have smoked in their house and I will not have my child exposed to that. I may have to take some college classes 4-5 days a week for 6 hours when LO is 4 months old. My mom does not work and has offered to watch him full time for us. I love this idea as much as I could like the idea of leaving him for that long when he is that little. However, BF says if I am going to let my mom watch him, his mom should get a chance too. It's all about an eye for an eye, everything has to be equal, his parents can't be forgotten about as grandparents or pushed away. At this point I want to move across the country to get away from them. BF and my relationship would be absolutely perfect if it weren't for ILs.

My questions: Shouldn't baby have routine like going to my mom's everyday rather than bouncing back and forth between his parents and mine?
Am I crazy for making ILs come to my house to visit LO instead of going there because they have (and sometimes still do) smoked in the house?
Is it overstepping a boundary to ask them to change their shirt before holding LO?
Shouldn't it be okay for me to ask them to knock before coming in my house?
How long is a decent time frame for BF and I to bring home LO and be alone for bonding and figuring things out for ourselves before allowing visitors (aka ILs)? And as for the whole everything has to be fair thing, if I need help and want my mom to help with the house or BFing isn't it okay for me to ask her to come over but still expect space from FMIL?

Any feedback would be great! I'm going to go crazy or wind up in counseling.. ugh