Sometimes life chooses for you..

cj1202

I realize this is propably an odd post. But being at 15 weeks, and having only told 2 people, which makes me sad. I think - why haven't I told anyone?  How do I tell my parents? Why can't I be excited? But I am. When I saw the ultrasound, I smiled. But then I all the thoughts below crossed my mind.

 I've been dating a guy for 5 months. Seeing that i am almost 4 months, that means - I'm having a baby with a stranger. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, already a super involved father of 2 (been divorced for 5 years), fantastic job, owns a house, family oriented, sweet to me, but it breaks my heart that it has to happen, this way.

 Now, from knowing people and just reading through some of the conversations on this site- trust me, I know how blessed I am. Which is why I couldn't terminate. 27, super career driven,traveler, but besides that - I've never had to care about anyone but myself. I enjoyed what some people called being "selfish", but also made the most of my situation. I was told about 2 years ago due to an infection, I was most likely not going to be able to have children. The most likely, didn't mean zero, but it meant- if I wanted to have kids, I should start considering my options. At 25 - I didn't want kids or really to even get married. So even though it was a sad situation, I kept going. Still on birth control, because for me - I didn't even want to gamble.

 So I meet this fantastic guy, we start dating, things progress. About 2 weeks after my no-show flow, I had to tell him. He was upset, as was I. But them he went to blame me, what hadnt I done, what can i do to fix it. We stayed up nights talking, crying, laughing, trying to come to a resolution.

 His: He has already lost his 20s, he didnt want to lose his 30s.

Me: I never wanted kids. I wanted to be able to move wherever my career would take me.

So, we woke up one morning, he made me breakfast, and left me a note, to think about Napa.

And I went to my doc appointment, and the nurse practioner - made me feel at ease with choosing abortion. It was nice to hear an unbiased opinion. She told me I was still young, I barely knew this guy, I liked my job, I loved to travel, why would I give that all up , since I WAS the responsible one? I had followed the rules, I used protection, and this STILL happened.

 So I made an "appointment". But you know, when you make certain choices or things are on your mind, that's all you see around you? Normally it was screaming annoying, filthy, rude children. But, no, now it was sweet, peaceful, adorable children. And trust me, I know that it will not always be one way or the other- but in my heart of hearts, I never could do it. So I cancelled my appointment.

 When I told him this, I knew he was angry. And I felt horrible, I never wanted to ruin someones life or take away years from them. So I told him, AND meant it: I am choosing to keep this child, which is my choice, and I will not force you to partake in something you don't want or that you despise or hate. You do not have to be involved. But he said he could never be like that.

And that is where we are at - we are trying to get to know each other, while still coming to the realization that a baby is on the way. For about 2 months, he was super cold and distant from me, I mean, wouldn't even kiss me. And again I had to tell him: I'd rather be alone, than be lonely in a relationship. You don't have to be with me, just because we're having baby. Since then he's gotten better, but I still can't help but feel sad about it all.

This lil' wee one is coming into a world, where it wasnt expected or wanted. And now 2 strangers have to make the best of it. If this situation was EVER going to happen, I wanted to at least know, I loved the person and that they loved me, and that we could make it through. I don't know, does that sound unrealistic?

 And now, I have to start telling people. I've told 1 close friend, which adds to the lonelieness factor, I want to be happy about it, but when people ask me my "story" or why, how do you make, I had sex with a guy after knowing him for 3 weeks and I somehow got pregnant, sound sweet? I think Im also afraid of the questions. Where are you going to live. Names. Schools. Doctors. I don't even know how to light a hot water heater, and I have to make life decisions for a human being that didn't have a choice of being assigned to me?

Now for the heartbreak piece that really gets me: An ex of 3 years, who I honestly believe is my other half - he reached out to me, apologizing, crying, saying how much he loved me and wanted us to be together. And as my timing is always crappy, how do you say: Well I want to still be with you, how do you feel about me having another man's baby? It broke my heart, because I know now more than ever, it won't ever work. Instead, I get to be with a man, who feels guilted by his own consience into being with me, not because he really wants to.

 

I guess, I'm not really looking for any response... just some sort of hope, that even though it won't be easy, it's not impossible.

I'm just so scared.I'm scared that I'm going to make all the wrong choices in life.