Need to make an emotional dump (long).

Wundervoll

Hi ladies, I hope you don't mind if I post here. I honestly feel a little embarrassed to come online and say all of this, but I feel as though I have no one else to share with, and holding it in is driving me crazy!

I have recently become a single mom. My husband and I have had a very rough relationship, and it finally came to a peak within the past week. We have had to deal with more hardships than a lot of couples face their entire relationship, but we both just kept trying to put one foot forward and make it through. Unfortunately we seem to have both hurt each other more than supported one another, and I have now left him.

I still love him so much and keep flip-flopping on whether or not this is the right decision for all of us, but I know that in the long run we are just going to make things even worse if we try and stay together. We were currently living in a city about 1 1/2 hours away from my family and had no one else to turn to, so I have moved back in with my parents and he is going to stay with a cousin in another state (about 10 hours or so away).

He worked full-time and I was working part-time, and while we made enough money to live decently together, separately I am worried I will not be able to afford to live on my own without making some kind of sacrifice. We were supposed to be moving to the city where my parents are this Wednesday, but now our plans have changed (obviously) and have lost a good chunk of money because of that. We were going to be tight on money for a few weeks as it was, but now things are even worse.

I am now with my parents, but am already feeling the stress I have put on them with us staying here. My dad has said point blank that he cannot see how I will be able to make it as a single mom. That has been my biggest concern through this whole situation, and one of the reasons I didn't throw in the towel sooner, and hearing that has knocked whatever wind I had in my sails (so to speak).

To make it worse, my mother is actually coming home from my grandparents' today because my grandfather was in the hospital. They're both at the age where they are getting ready for retirement. Now that I am back they are worried about the added burden of us and the possibility of my grandfather's waning health. While my grandparents are both financially secure, they'll still need someone to be able to go and take care of them if need be, and with my mom stuck at home watching my daughter until I can afford healthcare... well, me leaving my husband couldn't have come at a worse time.

I am terribly uncomfortable telling my parents exactly what happened. Any time I give them personal information they either turn it against me, bring it up consistently by obsessively worrying about whether or not I can "do it," or they spread it around to other people and make me feel even worse/more embarrassed. They aren't bad parents, but they're both (especially my dad) very pessimistic, and that is something I have been desperately trying to change in myself. We also happen to butt heads a lot, hah.

I don't have much going for me right now and all I can think about is how I am a horrible mother. I think of my happily married friends who are starting families and wish I could give that to my daughter, and feel so guilty that I can't. I love her to death and know I can do better for her, but I feel like right now I just have nothing. I am so scared that I am not going to be able to take care of her, or that I will ruin whatever relationship I have with my parents (and therefore her as well). I am trying to not feel hopeless and keep moving, but I do not know how things will ever get better.

 

Whew. That felt good... thanks for reading, for those of you who did. I don't expect any responses, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.