Hump day laughs

skye83

Just thought you ladies would get a kick out of these

 

Just for Laughs...
Funny Pregnancy Jokes

When you become pregnant, you have lots of questions. Here are some funnypregnancy jokes to some of those questions you may have during pregnancy, during labor, and after you have your baby. So many emotions come over you when pregnant...anxiety, nervousness, sadness, happiness and many more. Sometimes we need to just sit back and have a good laugh. So take a moment, sit back, relax and LAUGH! 


Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
~Yes, but you?ll have an even better chance if he doesn?t wear anything at all. 


Are birth control pills deductible?
~Only if they don?t work. 

What is a chastity belt?
~A labor-saving device. 

Should I have a baby after 35?
~No, 35 children are enough. 

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
~Yes, but it?s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first. 

My husband and I are very attractive. I?m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
~Your therapist. 

I?m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
~With any luck, right after he finishes high school. 

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
~If it?s the flu, you?ll get better. 

Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
~Yes, your bladder. 

What is the most common pregnancy craving?
~For men to be the ones who get pregnant. 

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby?s sex?
~Childbirth. 

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
~?Cause you?re fatter than they are. 

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she?s borderline irrational.
~So what?s your question?

What?s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
~Nothing, if the pregnant woman?s husband knows what?s good for him. 

I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I?m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
~Not if you don?t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

Ever since I?ve been pregnant, I haven?t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
~Depends on what you?re doing with them. 

Do I have to have a baby shower?
~Not if you change the baby?s diaper very quickly.

Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
~When the sex is between your husband and another woman. 

What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
~Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder. 

My childbirth instructor says it?s not pain I?ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
~Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
~Right after you find out your pregnant. 

How long is the average woman in labor?
~Whatever she says, divided by two.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
~Not unless the word ?alimony? means anything to you.

What does it mean when the baby?s head is crowning?
~It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you. 

What are forceps?
~Giant baby tweezers. 

Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
~Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

I?m modest. Once I?m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
~Authorized personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc. 

Where is the best place to store breast milk?
~In your breasts. 

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
~It means that the baby?s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

What are the terrible twos?
~Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey.

What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
~When you see teeth marks. 

What is the grasp reflex?
~The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother?s breasts.

What causes baby blues?
~Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos. 

What is colic?
~A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

What are night terrors?
~Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she?s pregnant again. 

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
~When the kids are in college.

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
~Yes, pregnancy.

When choosing a name for your baby, go to the back door and shout it out a few times.

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Now...what if MEN got PREGNANT!

~ Maternity leave would last for two years....with full pay.

~There would be a cure for stretch marks.

~Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

~Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

~All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

~Children would be kept in the hospital until potty trained.

~Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

~They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

~Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

~Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

~They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

~Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

~Women would rule the world.