XP: About me freaking out....

PatchestheCat

I posted this on 1st Tri... but got advice to post it here so here it goes.....

 

Hi....

 

I used to be a big time knottie/nestie. I changed my name as to not be recognized... 

I was married in 06. I'm currently separated. I haven't been with my husband for about 3 years now but for some reason we haven't filed for divorce. I have a boyfriend who I live with. We've been together for almost 2 years.

I found out today that I am pregnant. I'm totally freaking out. I've been crying since I found out a few hours ago. I don't know what to do.

 I'm not in the best relationship in the world. He doesn't make much money and would have a hard time supporting a child. I'm a teacher so I make more than he does, but everyone knows that teachers aren't rich.....

I just calculated my due date and it would be right around my birthday. 

If I get an abortion I think I would just be really fucked up by looking at children born around when my child should have been born.... and I think it will make me totally depressed.... but at the same time I don't think I am ready for a baby. I'm in my early 30s. I keep thinking.... what if this is my only chance to have a baby.... Do I even want a baby? I thought I did when I married my husband... but now I don't even know....

 I can't stop crying. I saw the speck on the ultrasound today. That was weird. 

I can't believe this is happening! I rarely even have sex... I can't believe that the one time I did in weeks this happens....

I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone. I told my mom and my boyfriend. Both via phone. Mom is supportive in whatever I want to do but she won't give me any advice on what she thinks I should do. Boyfriend is at work, I called him on his break, he was kind of a jerk saying what is this my fault? He's angry that I told him on the phone instead of waiting til he got home at midnight tonight

 I know ultimately it is my decision but its so fucked up. I can't even fathom possibly needing to walk through the abortion clinic doors in the next couple weeks.... it freaks me out that that may become my reality.

I'm kinda just venting. I wish I knew what to do. I wish this was easier.