How did you know it was over?

Wondervoll

Hello, I feel silly for dumping this on the internet for a bunch of strangers, but you ladies seem pretty grounded (I have been lurking for a while) and I am too uncomfortable to share this with anyone face to face yet.

My husband and I have been having a very hard time since before I became pregnant. Our relationship has been a series of ups and downs (mostly financial), and I think that I am finally just too worn out to grin and bear it. Everything in our relationship has happened VERY early. We started dating shortly after meeting, moved in within 2 months, and found out I was pregnant after about 3 months. After not even a year of dating we got married, mostly to appease my parents'. I realize this could kill any relationship, but I always thought we could work past it because we truly cared for one another.

I have been worried since the beginning, but more so now that my daughter is here. I always thought that if I worked hard at it, things would get better and years down the road I would look back and be glad I hadn't thrown in the towel. Now I am not so sure. We have had plenty of "bad" fights, but because they happened less and less closer to my due date I just chalked it up to the pregnancy. Unfortunately, more recently, we've had a few more and yesterday was especially awful.

I don't know if this feeling is from guilt over feeling like a bad mom because of the fight (my daughter was in her bouncer in the room when it happened), or if I really don't want to be with my husband any more. If fights like yesterday happen again, then I feel like I will need to separate for my daughter's sake. I know all marriages aren't perfect, but I am so scared of affecting her. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place: if I stay and our fights spiral- then I'm hurting her, but if I leave and pull apart a family that could be happy- I'm also hurting her.

I feel like he's rough enough that it leaves me a little scraped up, but no worse for the wear, but not enough that I am scared he would ever hurt her. He has criticized me as a mother while holding her, but I don't know if he would do the same thing when she's old enough to understand what he is saying. I am not perfect either, but feel like I am a good mom. I've tried hard since finding out I was pregnant to change bad habits so they will not affect her, and to make a better situation for her, but am not sure how much change he's done (I could be so caught up in my own victim that I can't tell?). I'm talking to a counselor, but he refuses to go and is especially against couples therapy.

Any advice on this matter would be wonderful. How did you know when it was time to leave? Sorry if that's a stupid question. I've never felt like this, and have no idea how to sort out my true feelings...