i'm scared.... (sorry if it's long)

mdotm0904

things have gotten really ugly between me & BD. Started with the post I made a couple of weeks back about running into his ex @ the grocery store and exchanging contact information. I knew he'd be pissed. (his reaction is outlined here (http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/56491987.aspx) sorry i don't know how to make it clicky in firefox. after that exchange yesterday, I thought maybe he'd go away for a while. Nope, he emailed me today wanting to know when the baby is due for delivery because he needs to know so he can be there. I informed him that all i have is my "due date" & babies come when they want. But i'll be sure to let him know when the time came. His response was that I needed to inform him via email or text when the time comes & not after so that he can be there for the delivery.

This was my response:

With all due respect, and I mean this from the sincerest & purest place of my heart possible. There is no malicious or evil intentions behind what I am about to say and I really hope & pray that you do not take it that way. But I do not feel comfortable with the thought of having you there for the delivery. I will text you or email you AS SOON as she is born so that you can be there at the hospital to see her. I promise that on her life, that you will be the FIRST PERSON to know when she is born & not a moment after. But I feel like I reserve the right to have a calm & peaceful environment while giving birth and lately I do not feel calm or at peace when we are around each other, just stress & tension & I am afraid this will create a stressful birth environment which is neither good for myself or the baby. 

Again, I am not trying to start an argument or a fight. I am not trying to hurt you by any means. I am not trying to keep you away from your daughter. I am just trying to create a safe & stable environment so that she can enter as peacefully as possible. Please understand.

ETA: later i sent an "addendum" & told him that i'd actually call when i went into labor & he could head to the hospital & just chill in the waiting room, that way someone could come out immediately and get him.

I thought I was fair & pleasant in my exchange. I wrestled with what was right & wrong and I went with my heart. Anyway he wrote back that i'm not doing him any favors by letting him be there for the delivery, he just thought it'd be in the best interest of "the child" for future reference for her to know that he was present @ her birth just like with his other 3 "angels". Umm how many people REALLY ask about who was present @ delivery? anyway I digress. That showed me that he doesn't really care about being there, it's about ego and making himself look like he's the innocent victim in all of this & i'm the evil "baby mama" spreading lies & rumors around town about him & trying to keep him away from his daughter (so not the case)

anyway, we had a couple of more heated email exchanges and then i decided to stop responding. but then later he sent an email asking what I was doing about her last name. Something that's been a HUGE source of contention between us. I want to give her mine. He thinks that she should have his so that she doesn't feel different from his other kids. I offered hyphenation as the only fair compromise a while back, he flat out refused. Which again shows me that he doesn't truly care. it's again about ego (some alpha male, "my children belong to me so they need to all have my surname" bullcrap). I have yet to respond to that email & don't know if i will. I have a laundry list of reasons why she should have my last name. 

Anyway, I'm just really scared. Things have gotten so ugly so fast. I always thought I was doing the right thing & I still think I am. I've been as pleasant as possible even when he's been personally attacking my character, and everything I've done has been with my daughter's best interests at heart. I'm aware that his emails are all attempts to bully me & control the situation. I know how he loves to go back & forth to the courts and i have NO MONEY to pay for a lawyer. But I feel like i'm going to need one. I have a consult with an attorney on the 17th (a free 30min one) & I plan to ask her as many questions as possible....as soon as i can think of them. But i'm just afraid he's gonna sue me for joint 50/50 custody just like he has with his other children. I've always told him that i'd like to be the primary caregiver and i'd be more than willing to open visitation with him, so i've never tried to keep her away from him. But like I said, I just don't want to lose my daughter half time just because of some man's ego...not genuine love toward the child. 

Sorry it's so long, guess i just needed a place to vent. I feel bad burdening my family & friends with my drama....because with him it's never ending.