Just need to talk/vent/get some feedback. My separation story.

andrew's_bride

I'm not sure what I even want to say here..... I'm just pretty confused and have a big decision to make, and no one to talk to.....

 

I live in a small town where "news" runs out of control, so I can't really talk to anyone, or news of our separation and why we separated will be all over the place. We've been separated for a few weeks now, and still hardly anyone knows. I asked him to leave because I found out that he had been lying again. No he's never cheated on me, or hit me, or abused drugs or alcohol. But he lies quite a bit, and allows me to do everything. Really. I have to do all of the housework, cook meals, make grocery list, pay all the bills, etc. He doesn't even know when the bills are due or how much they are for. Its all me. I also work a full time job, and make the money. He works min wage with no benefits or pension, even though he has the education to be working a better job. 

 

Anyways, he has a history of lying. Even if its about little things, lying is something I really can't put up with. Then I found out that he missed a payment on the one bill he is responsible for, and when I checked his account to see how many payments he's missed, I found hundreds of $ in NSF charges, and over $600 in overdraft, even though I got him out of overdraft years ago. He told me he had no overdraft. Then when I looked a little further, I found out that not only does he have this huge overdraft, he hasn't been making the payments on it, and is now in collections because of it! He had been getting tons of phone calls from collections that he told me were from telemarketers. He got letters in the mail from the bank that he told me were about his RRSPs. And then, even better, I found out that the car insurance (the ONE bill he was supposed to be paying, only because he didn't get it switched into our joint account the 50 times I asked him to) was 1 week away from being cancelled.  I was completely blindsided. I knew nothing of any of this. As far as I knew, it was being paid, and he had no overdraft. Now he is in collections and almost had our car insurance cancelled.And we have the money to pay it, so I really don't know why he did this, let alone lie about it for so long. He's been in overdraft for as far back as the records go......

 

I asked him to leave. I couldn't handle being with someone who would do that. There is nothing he can say that he hasn't said the many other times he has lied. I am tired of dragging someone through life, telling him what he needs to do and when, why etc. He is a grown man. He does not want the separation, but has done nothing other than say he is sorry. He told me the day I found this all out that he was going to call a councillor the next day and get some help. I have heard nothing. I'm not telling him what to do. Not this time. 

 

So, I have no problem with him seeing our DD. I even let him have my car one day last weekend so he could take her out. (he doesn't have a working car right now, and no carseat.) He is allowed to see her whenever he wants, which works out to 3-4 times a week. Which I have to say is quite annoying for me.... lol But it is what is best for DD. 

 I guess, I just don't know if I will regret it later if I make this permanent. But at the same time, I just feel like there is someone else out there who is better suited for me. I am very independent, so doing it all on my own (although it has only been a few weeks) is really no big deal at all for me. No one at work even knows there is anything different going on. I am actually finding it easier because I am not frustrated or annoyed because he is not doing anything, or because I have to tell him to do everything. Yes I am a bit more tired, but I am pretty relaxed. I just feel like I am really hurting two people if I don't let him back, which at this point, I don't really see why I should. It kills me to hear the pain in his voice when he talks to DD on the phone, or when he cried the first time he saw her after we had split. I think of how it would feel if it were me that couldn't see DD every day. That would be awful.

 Not only that, but I am surprised at how embarrassed I feel about the separation. Not so much separating from him, but failing at our marriage. And once people know, I feel like they look at me differently. Either with shame (OMG I can't believe she split up with him! They have a baby!) or pity (OMG she has a baby and is on her own) and I don't need either. 

 I know this is long-winded. Thank-you for reading. Please post your thoughts (good or bad) about my story.  I need some feedback. Do you understand why I left? Would you have stayed? Too hard on him? Not hard enough? Etc. Etc.  Whatever you would like to contribute. Like I say, not anyone to talk to at home because I don't want people to know my dirty laundry LOL TIA ladies!