What a difference two years can make.

BethAndBen

Exactly two years ago today DH and I lost our first baby. Our little boy, Bennett, passed away inexplicably in utero. We found out at a regular OB appointment when there was no heartbeat. My heart was completely broken. At the time, and for quite a while after, I thought I would never be happy again. That day remains to be the worst day of my life. To this day I still miss our sweet boy.

Exactly one year ago today, after telling myself a million times that I would not test on this day because my heart couldn't handle a BFN on the one year anniversary of losing Bennett, I tested anyway and found out that we were expecting this LO. I got up at 4am after not being able to sleep all night and missing our little boy and just felt the urge to POAS. To my surprise, after months of trying and infertility meds, it was positive! Our sweet girl was on her way. It was a happy, and terrifying, moment.

What a bittersweet day today is. I could not be happier with my sweet girl. I love her to the end of the world and back. I know that if we had not lost Bennett I wouldn't have her. That is a tricky thing to deal with. I love her but I love him too. I can't imagine my life without Emma, but I wish I didn't have to live my life without Bennett. In the end, it is what it is. I have her and I dont have him. I love both of my babies, and I believe that Bennett watched over Emma and got her here safely. It sure was a heart wrenching 9 months. I held my breath through every single heartbeat check and ultrasound. I called my OB numerous times freaking out sure that i had lost her because i hadnt felt her move in a few hours.

I am glad that she decided to show up on the same day I lost him. Now they both share this day and I can no longer focus on just the terrible aspects of this day.

Sorry for my depressing, rambling post. I know some of you ladies might understand better than most. People IRL don't get it. They don't understand how I can mourn for one baby while having another alive and happy. So many people act like a baby that isn't born alive never lived at all. Goodness I miss him.

On a fun note... One year ago today Emma was the size of a poppyseed. What a difference a year can make!!