Soooo many IL issues. This is LONG, You have been warned!

wbrauns

Ok I'm going to try and make this as short as possible, but it requires a lot of backstory in order to kind of understand what is going on..so here goes...

DH and I are expecting our first child. DH has a daughter from a previous relationship, who I will refer to as "B", but he had her when he was 19 y/o and choose to give up his parental rights to her. B's biological mom was 18 y/o at the time and told DH that if he signed over his rights, he could see B whenever he wanted.

I'm not sure why he would believe this, or why he would even sign over his rights if he still wanted to see B, but anyways, he ended up signing his rights over and then the biological mother did not uphold her end of the bargain, (but anyways that's a different story) The biological Mother got married at 19 and the man she married adopted B.

When I met DH he had only seen B once when she was three weeks old, since DH and I have been married (two years) we have seen B four times, and we can also now mail her packages/letters/gifts on her birthday/holidays/special occasions etc, whereas before, he was not allowed to do this.

We have come a great distance in getting to know B and re-forming a relationship with B's mom and adoptive dad. Unfortunately DH's family is not very supportive of it. His mother especially. She always makes the comment that she had to watch her sisters become grandma's and she was never allowed to be a grandma to B.

Now that we are allowed to send presents to B, we have asked MIL if she wants to include something in the package, this is always her answer, "If B doesn't even know that it's coming from her GRANDMA, and I can't give it to her myself than why would I want to send her something?"

Basically she is extremely caught up in labels, (such as she wants B to know that she is her Grandma, and not just DH's Mom) and basically just very selfish. B is only seven years old and although she knows that DH is her "biological Dad" we do not use labels, we simply refer to DH by his name when we send her presents or letters, we do not sign anything, Love Dad or whatever, for obvious reasons, however, MIL will not send anything unless she can sign it, "Love Grandma"

B also has a little sister who is 3 years old and absolutely adorable! Whenever DH and I send B something, we send her little sister something as well. MIL has made it perfectly clear that she thinks that is ridiculous and since DH is not this little girls biological dad he should not send her anything. I'm not sure why she cares what we send B's little sister or why it is any of her business, but whatever.

Ok so anyways, MIL was making rude comments so frequently about our situation with B and things regarding it, that we eventually sat her down and explained to her that it hurt DH when she said hurtful things. (She was also making comments about our LO that we explained to her were not OK as well, such as she was saying she was going to raise the child as she raised her kids, and she didn't care how I felt about that)

So anyways the talk didn't go well and she became a huge drama queen and told all of her sisters that I was going to "take another grandchild from her" which is not true in the SLIGHTEST. The only thing we said was that if we could not trust her to do as we wished with our child, we would not feel comfortable with her babysitting when LO was born.

She has made countless other comments (such as telling my mom that DH was going to divorce me if I didn't "drop the attitude") and the list goes on and on..but anyways...

 Now on to BIL (I'm sorry this is so long!) DH has only one blood sibling, (although countless step siblings as his parents are divorced and both have remarried) his brother had a baby about a year ago. When DH and I found out they were pregnant DH was so excited at the idea of becoming an uncle. We went to Target and bought about four or five presents off the registry for SIL's baby shower, and I kept telling DH he might be going a little overboard but all he would say was, "this is my future neice or nephew and I'm going to spoil him/her rotten!"

So anyways, we weren't invited to the hospital when SIL went into labor. (Although SIL's brother and her brother's girlfriend were allowed) and after the baby was born we made every effort to be involved in her life, (calling to see if we could get together for dinner, asking if they wanted to watch a movie, etc) and most of these requests were denied. However, when their babysitter came down with cancer, they asked if I would watch the baby (I do daycare) and I was more than happy to.

However DH and I moved a few months later and I had to quit watching her. We have lived in our new house for four months and they have not been down to see us once, (it is a 35-40 minute drive) BIL even helped us move, although would not come in the house to look at it. (we were moving boxes into the garage and when DH asked if BIL would like to come see the inside of the house, BIL said no.)

So anyways, they have made ZERO effort to see us, and their daughter is now a year old. I had my shower in March and they wouldn't even come to that, nor did they send a gift or letter, or even a reason for why they couldnt make it. Oh and remember how DH and I got them around five gifts for their baby shower? We never got a thank you from them either. Not a verbal nor written one.

Ok so now I'm at the end...

I am having major anxiety over who is 'allowed' for lack of better word, at the hospital when I go into labor. Both of my parents are going to be there, and my Mom is going to be in the delivery room with us. And my three brothers are also going to be notified as soon as we go into labor and they can make the decision whether they come or not. They have all been super involved in the pregnancy and I am really close to them all. (They are also all single so it's not like they will be dragging their wives and kids with them as well)

I also want to tell FIL and his wife when we are headed to the hospital and they can make the decision if they want to come. However, I do NOT want MIL or BIL to be notified untill after LO is born and we have had 30 minutes or so by ourselves with her. My Dad, three brothers, FIl and SMIL will all be in the waiting room, which is fine by me. But I just know if MIL is in the waiting room it will just give me anxiety.

Having BIL in waiting room wouldn't give me anxiety at all, but I'm just not sure why we should even notify them when we weren't notified when they went to the hospital, actually we found out about our neice's birth over facebook.

So, is it wrong to have my family there, and FIL there, but not MIl and BIL untill later? WDYT? I just don't want to stress about MIL being there when I am trying to enjoy time with LO. MIL is very pushy and demanding and I know when we went to see our neice in the hospital after we were allowed there, MIL took her from SIL and wouldn't let anyone else in the room hold her and kept saying how beautiful "HER granddaughter was." and even got offended when SIL asked MIL to please leave the room so that she could breastfeed.

Basically MIL is just overcontrolling and rude, and I don't want her sitting out in waiting room and coming in with all of my family and FIL and ruining it for us. I guess I just want to wait 30 minutes or so and call and invite her down then. I just know it will make her mad that my parents, and FIL got to see LO first, however, if she treats me like crap, do I really have to treat her the same was as people who treat me with love and respect?

DH has agreed to not telling MIL untill after baby is born too, he acknowledges how overbearing and rude she is..

Again, sorry this is so long!