Depression with 2nd pregnancy

cfsinger

 Have any other 2nd (or more) time moms experienced this?

This will be long and I apoligize, Im not looking for harsh comments, I already feel like *** enough. 

I had pretty bad post partum depression after my DD was born. My husband and I  tried for this  baby, but  I still dont feel connected. No one really seemed happy, every one just pointed out the stressful things about it. Even the first thing my DH saidwas how the are we gonna afford this. I feel like it is a mistake to have this child. I know thats a stupid thing to think, and it seems really bad, but this is my first full vent about this so please bare with me. I also smoke. I cut down severely when I found out i was preggo this time, but I still  cant quit. and that makes me feel worse. I feel like if there is anything wrong with this child, everyone will know its because I smoked. I feel like even if i quit now, everyone is still judging me. and i feel like any damage that is happened is already there. then it stresses me more so I smoke more. 

I just cant control the failing feelings I have. I feel like I barely get by as it is. How am I gonna do it with 2 little ones? I feel like Im failing my DD because im not gonna have as much time for her. I feel like Im failing my husband because Im so batsh!t right now.

This depression isnt as bad as the post partum was, but the suicide thought is always there now. I feel like DD would be better not seeing me like this, and she deserves a happier life than what Im giving her.  I want the baby to live, but if i wasnt here to bring it down i would think thats better for it.    I had to deal with my mom having alot of depression and anxiety growing up and I swore my kids would never see that. and Im already showing signs to DD. Obviously shes too young to know or understand, but I feel so bad for her. I get frustrated and cant control it. I feel like she would be better without me around. Same as DH and baby on the way. ive hinted before that  these feeling have come back but my dr just kinda blows it off like hormones and DH does everything he can to make me happy, I just always get down when Im alone or think about things. 

I logically know the right and wrong things to do, but the switch in my head hasnt clicked there yet for me to have control over these feeelings.And then I feel even more shitty for knowing Im the worst pregnant lady for all the things I do.